via Andrew Wheeler

MOUTHOLOGY

Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?

A. I don’t use salad dressing. When I eat salad, I usually just top it with parmesan cheese.

Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?

A. Wendy’s. Also, my first job! Actually, that’s why I’m bald — shaving my head was the only way to get all that fucking grease out of my hair.

Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?

A. I don’t really have one. Maybe Grand Sichuan or Mitali East.

Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?

A. 15-20%

Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?

A: No question: pizza. I could eat pizza every day for every meal forever, I think.

Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice?

A. I take mine plain–no additional toppings, just cheese. (And no extra cheese, thank you.)

Q. What do you like to put on your toast?

A: Grape jelly

TECHNOLOGY

Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?

A: An image of the moon, which I think is a stock windows wallpaper

Q. How many televisions are in your house?

A: There’s two setup for watching, plus a couple extras in the attic.

BIOLOGY

Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?

A. Right

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?

A. Yes. And inserted too.

Q. When was the last time you had a cavity?

A. Um…two years ago maybe? Actually, I had a root canal, so it was a bit more than a cavity.

Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?

A. A pair of dumbbells

Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?

A. Nope

BULLSHITTOLOGY

Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?

A. No, and I wouldn’t want anyone else to know either, because if they did the fact that they knew it would torment me.

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?

A. What’s this "if" business? I can change my name if I want to. There’s lots of paperwork to fill out, but it’s not like you need a genie to grant a wish to make that happen. I have no desire to change it, however.

Q. What color do you think looks best on you?

A. Fuligin

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?

A. Yes, of course. Oh, wait–by mistake? Nope.

Q. Have you ever saved someone’s life?

A. No

Q. Has someone ever saved yours?

A. No

DAREOLOGY

Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?

A. I don’t kiss people for money.

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?

A. Hell yes. Where can I sign up for that?

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?

A. I’ve almost decided to do that for free several times, so…sure.

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?

A. Ug, no. Just the thought of it repulses me.

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?

A. Hell yes.

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?

A. I don’t know–maybe if it was a real scumbag or something. I might be able to do it, but I’m not sure how well I could live with it afterward. I guess no one ever really knows that until afterward.

DUMBOLOGY

Q: What is in your left pocket?

A: nothing

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?

A: Well, it’s not like one of the 100 greatest films of all time, but it’s pretty funny.

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?

A: carpet

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?

A: There are people that sit in the shower?

Q: Could you live with roommates?

A: Sure.

Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?

A: Zero. I have a pair of sandals, which are similar but not technically flip-flops, I think. If those count, then one.

Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops?

A: That run-in is recounted here.

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?

A: Edit my own magazine

Q: Who is number 1 on your top 8?

A: Uh, what? MySpace? I think F&SF is my #1 friend.

LASTOLOGY

Q: Friend you talked to?

A: Amy

Q: Last person who called you?

A: A nurse from the veteran’s home where my grandfather lives

Q: Person you hugged?

A: My mom

FAVORITOLOGY

Q: Number?

A: Pi

Q: Season?

A: Football

CURRENTOLOGY

Q: Missing someone?

A: There’s always someone to miss.

Q: Mood?

A: Tired.

Q: Listening to?

A: A metal playlist. Currently, as I write this answer, Dir En Gray.

Q: Watching?

A: Nothing at the moment, but earlier I was watching the new episode of Friday Night Lights (great show!)

Q: Worrying about?

A: zombies

RANDOMOLOGY

Q: First place you went this morning?

A: The illustrious offices of F&SF

Q: What can you not wait to do?

A: See Wastelands in a bookstore.

Q: What’s the last movie you saw?

A: 1408 — not a great adaptation, but was somewhat interesting because of great source material.

Q: Do you smile often?

A: No

Q: Are you a friendly person?

A: Sometimes